Sting of death -- January 8, 2012

     It was January 8, 1969 that I first experienced the dying of a loved one.  It was our first-born son we named John David. Yes, that was a long time ago as he would have been 43 today.  He was a full term stillborn that passed away during the birth process.  Experiencing motherhood  for 9 months as he was growing and developing inside of me, his death became so personal, I thought my world had collapsed and I would never recover.  Death is not something that I knew anything about or how to deal or process what was happening so I buried all my thoughts and feelings and emotions deep inside.  I didn't know what to say or how to express my feelings so I didn't.  Then in 1976 I gave birth to another full-term still born son.  I have always been an eternal optimist and didn't want to dwell on those miserable feelings so I never spoke of them for many years.   I now realize, that was a big mistake and I believe that feelings buried alive never die and they cause physical blockages that may manifest in diseases and illnesses many decades later. Years later I  found that since I couldn't talk about my experience that  by writing down my feelings on paper helped me more than anything.  Ideally having someone you can open up with and pull out all those  emotions is best.  Someone who will just listen yet encourage you to get it up and out.  I remember at my brothers funeral there was a woman from another country who wailed so loud that we were all embarrassed, at one point we thought see was going to knock over the casket, she was so out of control.  I have thought about that experience many times and wondered perhaps her crying and wailing non stop help processed everything and it was over, instead of taking decades to deal with it.
     Yesterday, January 7, 2012 our niece Shawna Noragon died.  She was 40 years old and passed away 1 year and 1 month from the death of our oldest daughter Christine who was also 40.  Since last year I have lost my brother, a nephew and cousin along with numerous friends.  Our daughter's death was the hardest because we had her for 40 years and she left 8 children and a husband behind.  I want to share my feelings as to how I have finally learned to deal with dying.
      First of all, turning to my Heavenly Father has been most important.  Understanding that he really has a  plan of happiness for us and that we agreed with shouts of joy to come to this earth so we can have a body and have experiences, especially opposition in all things, so we could progress.  How could we be happy if we never experienced sadness?  We knew our time here was limited and we also knew it was part of the plan to go on to the next phase of our existence (spirit world) and it would even be more wonderful than this earth life. I knew that my two children along with Shawna were in a better place. This part of my testimony helped me remember the Big Picture of things, yet the inner heart break that was so private and disabling still hurt.  I have a testimony that because of Christ's atoning sacrifice,  the awful gloom of death gives hope. However, there was still a pain that lingered inside. Turning to prayer, the scriptures and reading everything I could on the subject brought me understanding and comfort from the Holy Ghost which in turn provided  peace and hope that my soul so desperately needed to take away the wrenching sting and pain.

I look at life as a gift from God. 
Now that he wants it back I have no right to complain.