Fire --

Devastation of fire on our property in Idaho

Fire

     I have been thinking a lot lately about Tender Mercies and I remember the rip roaring fire we experienced in Idaho at our cabin.  It consumed hundreds of acres and everything was charcoal black for miles and miles. 

     I was in an early morning meeting at the church as the Relief Society president when a knock came to the Bishop’s door.  It was my husband John,  I knew immediately something was wrong or he would never interrupt a meeting at the church.  He motioned for me and I promptly left.  He said our cabin was burned and we needed to go up and secure what was left. 

     We rode up there with some of our children that lived in the area and it was the most sickening feeling ever.  For miles and miles before our property everything was black.  When we approached our property even our mailbox was burnt to the ground.  I have never witnessed such devastation first- hand and close up before.

     Our cabin is quite a ways off the road and secluded so we couldn’t immediately see the damage.  When we turned the last corner we could see the cabin still standing with the porch burnt and the front doors burnt and part of the floor in the great room. 

     The man from the fire force met us there and told us his side of the story:

     There had been a fire the evening before that was started, they presumed, from the electrical plant several miles away.  He was on the crew that was trying to save homes .  He had started digging a fire ring around our home and fire repellent had been sprayed from a plane had been sprayed from a plane from above.  The wind  kicked up and his boss said “forget that cabin because no one lives there, it is only used part-time."  He went to leave to get the next property and he saw the children’s large plastic jungle gym and felt sorry for our grandkids so he completed the fire ring and then hurried to the farm a mile ahead.  As he looked back at the cabin on his way out of our driveway he saw a big fireball jump the fire line and it looked to him that it was consuming the cabin.  After his day’s work he reported to the paper that our cabin was lost.

     The next morning he felt impressed to drive up to our property to see if there was anything left.  He was shocked to see the cabin still standing.  He saw it all being consumed with his own eyes the evening before.  However when he stepped out of his truck he noticed that our wooden porch had just started on fire and was burning the front door.  He quickly grabbed his portable fire extinguisher and busted open the door and put out the fire.  The cabin was full of smoke and he opened all the windows and threw outside about a 5 foot square of burnt wooden floors.  Then he saw our phone number and called us. 

     As amazing as all that was I found another tender mercy……I had two special areas on the property where I had put hammocks up and they were surrounded by trees.  I called them “my secret gardens”. I loved to go there to think, be alone and meditate, write in my journal and pray.  When the TV and the noise level reached a decibel I couldn’t handle I would gather my pencil and paper together and go there.  Only a few grandchildren even knew where they were because they were quite hidden.  I  was surprised when we went to see the remains of my special areas that the hammocks were both still standing and the two trees holding them up were not burned and there was green grass underneath them while everything for miles around were charred.

Fire fighter that saved our cabin twice

     I cried tears of joy when I saw those two areas spared from the torched surroundings.  What a tender mercy just for me to be reminded that I am loved and cared for from above.

Tender Mercies

Tender Mercies

     In October 23, 1989, I had the opportunity to go to the Sacred Grove with my parents, our oldest daughter Christine and oldest son Aaron.  It was a free trip because we had frequent flyer miles from a trip we took to Istanbul, Turkey.  Because Christine was working as a Nanny in Pennsylvania we decided to fly back to see her and some Historical Church sights.  It was a wonderful trip and I wanted to share one tender mercy that was extended to us. 

     It was late in October in 1989, my brother Steve was driving and we were in Palmyra, New York, and anxiously awaiting to experience the Sacred Grove.  I had been there previously and wanted my children to have a similar experience.  I noticed that we were probably a few weeks too late because all the trees were bare and the leaves that were on the ground had turned brown.  When I had been there before I remembered the brilliant fall leaves on the trees.  As we arrived at the Joseph Smith home, which is directly across the street from the grove the first thing I noticed was there were leaves on the trees.  It was amazing; I had my brother drive back and forth to both edges of the property to verify that there were no leaves on any trees on either side of the property.  It was true, not a leaf on any tree.  When we walked into the grove there were also plenty of leaves on the ground in all their magnificent colors that crunched as we walked on that beautiful October day.

     The picture above is of my parents, I, Christine, and Aaron.  My brother Steve was taking the picture as he stood on the porch of the Joseph Smith home.  It was a special moment I have not forgotten and recognize God’s hand at all times in my life.  

I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us.

David Bednar

One Day at a Time

  

One Day At A Time

Megan and Ashlee

   A country singer named Christy Lane turned Christian and become quite famous singing the song “One day at a Time”.  This song means a great deal to me because of some difficulties I have had in my life, and I would not have survived them had I spent my energy worrying about tomorrow or next week.  I will give one example:

      After our daughter Christine passed away, I couldn’t just walk away and leave her 8 children, so I stayed on doing what I could.  The Andersen family lived 2 hours from my home in Ogden, so I stayed at my daughter Emily’s house, just a block away from the Andersen's in a small bedroom in the basement, and would go over to Christine’s home each morning. One particular night,  I was not feeling well and I allowed my mind to worry about the future.  How long was I going to be there, a year, 5 years?  I became anxious and didn’t know where to turn so I turned to the Lord. In prayer I asked “How long am I going to need to be here?  When can I return home to North Ogden?  The answer that came to me was this: “Don’t go there, don’t think about it, and don’t worry about it.  You are here today.  Do the best you can and enjoy your grandchildren”.  That was it.  I followed that advice and from then on I would not allow my mind to worry even about the next day, I just took one day at a time.

     Little did I know at the time, the good Lord had a plan and was setting it all into place?  A wonderful woman was being prepared to step into this family and love and care for my grandchildren and son-in-law.  That advice has helped me since then when I was told that cancer had returned to my body with a vengeance.  All I ever have is one day at a time, and everything is in the Lord’s hands.  Here are the words to the song I have loved for a dozen years:

I'm only human; I'm just a woman
Help me believe in what I could be and all that I am
Show me the stairway
I have to climb
Lord for my sake
Teach me to take
One day at a time

One day at a time, sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from you
Give me the strength to do everything that I have to do
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
Help me today
Show me the way
One day at a time.

Could you remember
When you walked among men
Jesus, you know when you're looking below
It's worse now than then
Pushin' and shovin' crowd in your mind
Lord for my sake
Teach me to take
One day at a time

Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace. ~Author Unknown

Wet, White and Wonderful

Wet, White and Wondrous

     It was Christmas Eve, and the snow was 2 feet deep as we were about to experiencing our first Christmas at the family cabin in Idaho.  John and I, Brian and his family were going to spend Christmas surrounded in the mystical snow covered 36 acres.  It was nature at its very best time of the year.   The rest of the family would join us on Christmas day. 

     Every window in the cabin was a picture perfect scene, looking out as everything was white, every tree, every weed even every vehicle.  It was as beautiful a sight as I have ever seen.  The night was light; the snow was glistening from the moonlight, it almost took my breath away. I could have just sat there and stared out the window for hours.  We had a nice dinner and helped put the children to sleep, Shelby, Weston and Colby before Santa came. 

     It was that evening I decided that white was my favorite color.  The next day the kids were able to sleigh ride on the hillside and we all enjoyed the wonders of nature.  In 2007 I wrote a poem about snow, and it came to me that as beautiful as snow is, it is just a cover-up.  It covers up the yuck, just like we sometimes do with our sins, cover them and try to forget them.

Snow

It covers the ground,

Like a blanket covering a child.

Hiding the imperfections of the earth,

obnoxious weeds, lawn and dirt.

Sometimes we hide our sins,

Burying them deep inside,

Afraid of guilt and worldly fear,

Hoping, they’ll just disappear.

Soon the snow will melt,

The bare ground will be exposed.

The world can see first hand

the imperfections of the land.

Someday our sins will be exposed,

for the entire world to see.

Don’t wait to bring them out of hiding!

Where good should be residing.

Bring them up from deep below!

God will take them you know.

He wants to remove all your sin,

                                         So you can be free and beautiful again.

We have a strange illusion that mere time cancels sin. But mere time does nothing either to the fact or to the guilt of a sin. --CS Lewis 

Counting Stars --

Nathan  age 4

     Hope is the best gift that one can ever receive.  This story touched me deeply when I heard it:

     Paul Shin returns to Korea after 50 years, and the memories of the past flood his mind.  He was 4 years old when his mother died and his father left him.  He lived with his grandmother until he was 6, then left as he felt he was only another mouth to feed, so he ran away.   He lived alone as a urchin on the streets of Seoul and slept at the train station.  His way of falling asleep and not thinking of his hunger was to count stars.  He missed his mother, so he would count stars.  Because he was so lonely he counted stars.  Because he felt hopeless he counted stars.  By counting stars, he began to see dreams and hopes of a future.  Then a real star came into his life.

     A young dentist (Ray Paull) in the United States army hired him as a house boy for 7 officers as a young teen.  Even though there were hundreds of other destitute youngsters available.  Ray inspired him and gave him hope.  He had never been treated with such kindness in his life.  They became friends.  Ray taught him the gospel and gave him a copy of the Book of Mormon.  Paul didn’t speak English but wanted to read the book so he learned English through a Korean/English dictionary.  He read that book 5 times the next year.

     Their relationship became as a father and a son.  In 1962 Ray decided to adopt Paul, but because of immigration delays it took over 3 years for him to come to America.  Paul had never spent a day in a classroom but wanted to be educated, with help from his new family and ward members he studied and passed the high school equivalency exams in 1956.  Soon after he went to BYU and graduated and then went to the University of Pittsburgh and received his Doctorate in history from the University of Washington.

     Despite the bitterness that could have been his, he has also found forgiveness.  Then in 1988 he served as mission president in Korea, he sought for and found his biological father, living in poverty.  After many awkward conversations, Brother Shin asked his father why he left.  With great emotion, the older man said that at the time he was being sold as a servant and could not take his son.  “I had condemned him”  Poverty is not a crime.  So he apologized to his father and said, “Pack your bags.”  He brought him to live with his family in Washington for the rest of his life.

 Speaking of the effect of the atonement in his life, Brother Shin said:  “Without that, you couldn’t forgive." I had a harsh life. The world was hostile, but the gospel has softened my heart.”

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Shoes and the Stranger

John's new shoes

     It was summer in 2001 and we were on our way to Lake Powell for a exciting trip on a houseboat with our friends the Mike and Jan Cain.       Elizabeth was with us, as well as our son-in-law and his three oldest children, McKensey and Cody and McKaila.  It was about 6:00 in the morning and the sun was just coming over the horizon and we were out in the middle of nowhere when we saw a man walking.  We hadn’t noticed a car anywhere so he wasn’t stranded, and he wasn’t hitchhiking.  My husband had a feeling he needed to stop and see if he needed help.  He circled around to get a better look and sure enough there was this small Hispanic man walking briskly, going in our direction, John talked to Ronnie, our son-in-law and they both agreed to stop.  I was in the back seat of the car with the kids and was hesitant; after all, we had precious cargo on board.  John pulled over and asked him if he would like a ride.  He checked us over real well and then agreed.  He jumped in and bit by bit he told his story. 
      He lived in New Mexico and was walking all the way to Denver to attend a funeral of a relative.  Walking all the way, we were all shocked.  He had been on the road for several days.  I had never known anyone who would walk those distances.

     A hour later we were ready to take our separate roads we pulled over to the gas station to say farewell to our new friend, my husband bought him some food and noticed that his shoes were worn out with holes in the bottom of them.  He asked him what size he wore and then my husband removed his new shoes from off his feet and gave them to him.  We wished him well and continued on the road to Lake Powell.  John spend the week without shoes, except for his water shoes, he knew this man needed them a lot more than he did.

John entertaining the Missionaries with his
 ventriloquism talents

    We had a great time on the houseboat, but the thing we all remember the most, was the man walking to Denver and the pair of shoes my husband so generously gave him.

While earning your daily bread,
be sure you share a slice
with those less fortunate

John's wood carvings

The cabin John built

Expectations

mountain ride

High Expectations

     As a parent of seven children, we have spent a considerable amount of time in disciplining our children.  When they were really young, it was mostly safety concerns.  As they became older, our time was spent teaching them what they could not do, especially to each other.  When they became teens, most of our effort was put into encouraging them to do what was right.  It was never easy to correct them, but it was necessary.  Now they are grown, it is even harder to correct them and so we resort to encouraging them only when the timing is right.

     Because our Heavenly Father has such high expectations for us (be ye therefore perfect) he too spends whatever time is necessary to correct us, disciplining us  to keep us safe, teach us what we cannot do and encourage us to do what is right.  Sometimes we listen and obey like small children, other times, we don’t  listen to him like teenagers who think they know everything, he simply wanted to tell us and warn us of dangers up ahead.  Now that I am older, I see how he has guided me throughout the years, yet at the time I sometimes resented the very things that helped me the most.  Being chastised!   It hurts, the Holy Ghost knows how to make me feel awful inside.  I wish I knew and understood the role of the Holy Ghost better years ago. Oh what a blessing it has been to be chastised over the years, to be warned and counseled.

Sometimes I have felt like I have had difficult times even when I didn’t deserve them.  I learned that I was being tried to see if I would be patient and have faith.  He wanted to see if I would trust in him no matter what.

     Being chewed out by the Lord actually has great benefits.  Number one, it has persuaded me to repent.  Number two, it has refined and sanctified me and number three, it has redirected my course in life.  After all, how to I know what is best for me?  My Heavenly Father knows all things, and wants to keep me on that straight and narrow path. 

     Correction can also come through others, especially those who are God inspired. Apostles, prophets, patriarchs, bishops as well as parents can and must help correct those they have stewardship over.  Even a spouse can and should gently correct when necessary.  By chastening me he is actually steering my future in the direction it needs to go, which I could not envision at the time.  As each trial passes and my faith grows stronger I enjoy a special bond with the Lord.  So now I can look back and see the course my life has taken and it was for the good and I wish I had not resisted correction along the path.

     I will never forget the day our first son was born and died.  Not only was it devastating, but I couldn’t see the future and thought I would morn that baby all the days of my life.  John was no longer able to be deferred in the army because we did not have children.  He joined the Coast Guard because the draft could have come any day and he would have had to fight in the army during the Vietnam War.  I thought this was a terrible burden put upon us; he went to boot-camp then to some special training on an island in New York.  I joined him there and had many testimony building experiences living away from home.  I lived alone 5 days out of the week because he was only allowed to leave the base on weekends.  It was a big growth experience in all areas of my life.  Now I can look back and see the Lord’s hand in shaping me and teaching me to rely upon HIM.

     The Lord taught me something a few years ago that has helped me immensely, “stop worrying about not being perfect and worry only about being perfectly obedient.”  That was profound to me because I did worry all the time about not being perfect.  I felt there was so much asked of me and I just couldn’t do it all. This profound insight helped me get a grip on perfection and it seems more attainable.  This I could do!

    

“What God says is best, is best,

 though all the men in the world are against it.”
― John Bunyan

Gambling

Private pool  in California 

Gambling

     Do you gamble?  Most people do.  I remember being on a large cruise ship with my parents years ago.  There were lots of fun activities on board but in between activities they had a room full of slot machines.  I allowed myself just a few dollars that I turned into quarters to see if I could win big at the slot machine.  At one point I won twenty dollars and I could feel the excitement.                   I was telling my good fortune to my father and invited him to just come spend a few quarters but he wouldn’t budge. “ No!” he said,” I don’t gamble.”  I knew he had the money to waste or lose but he was very adamant about not gambling.  Years have passed and I don’t gamble either, not even one quarter and I have become quite adamant about it also.  But the gambling that I really abhor is not with money but with my life.

     Yes, gambling your life away.  Let me explain!  If you don’t take the Holy Ghost for your guide to lead you through this life and help you get to the Lord, then you are gambling.  And the stakes are big.  Before I understood the role of the Holy Ghost, I just went through life guessing or gambling the best I knew how with the limited knowledge I had to make the best decisions possible as they came up in life.  Some were small decisions and others were major.  I didn’t know I was gambling, I was just living life and doing the best I could on my own.  That was the problem, on my own.         Once I really understood the role of the Holy Ghost I realized there was no need in guessing, the job of the Holy Ghost is to be my guide, my best friend, to help me get through this life with as few bumps and bruises as possible.  Now I believe that there is really just one choice to make in this life….was I willing to take the companionship of the Holy Ghost seriously? Or would I choose to make multiple mistakes and gamble my life away, which will affect all of eternity.

     The most amazing book I ever read on the Holy Ghost is unfortunately out of print.  It was written by Bruce McConkie’s father or grandfather, I believe his name was Oscar.  The name of the book was “The Holy Ghost”.  It was lent to me by my cousin and I had to have a dictionary to look up words I had never seen or heard of before, several on every page.  But it was a profound book that had a lasting impact on my life.

     Some of the highlights I remember was the fact that the Holy Ghost has the same attributes as our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ…..He cannot or will not be in the presence of sin, so if we are where there is doubt, fear and worry, and of course sin, he will not be there to protect us and we are on our own.  The only way we get him back in our life is through repenting and asking for his presence again.  Just because he was given to us when we were confirmed doesn’t mean we can keep him with us unless we do our part.

     Years ago we lived in the old 6^th ward in Ogden.  We had only been there two weeks and they announced in Relief Society that a sister in the ward was home from the hospital with her new born baby.  Then they said she was very sick with the flu and her husband was just shipped out in the military and she had a 3 year old.  I felt compassion on the woman since having 7 children of my own, so I called her (explained I was new) and offered to take her 3 year old the next day to help her out.  She agreed and I walked over and picked her up the next morning.  My youngest child Elizabeth was in kindergarten and the only thing I had to do was visit one lady in the ward.   
     When it was time to visit I carefully placed the little 3 year old girl next to me in the front seat, before I started the car the spirit warned me to put her in the back seat , this was before seatbelts or car seats.  I was only going one and a half blocks but I promptly obeyed.  When I drove down the road (25 miles an hour) and came to the intersection, a car 10 seconds before me raced at least 75 miles an hour through the stop sign.  I was stunned, had I not taken those few extra seconds to put her in the back seat we would have been hit broadside and probably been killed.  What a testimony builder of the workings of the Holy Ghost.

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.
Mother Teresa

Harmony on the Home Front

California Sunset

     When I was young, my mother had a friend who lived most of her life in Holland. I always had to pay close attention to what she was saying because of her strong accent. She had many interesting stories about the war her country was involved in and the many things they had to endure. In Holland they were starving. She told of the time her 6 year old son was so weak he could not walk. She put him in the baby stroller as they went looking for scraps of food and small pieces of coal. As a young girl I had never experienced such conditions. I always had food to eat and a warm home to keep me safe and comfortable.

     The sad part of this story is that when this family came to America and had the necessities of life, something happened to them. They didn't get along with each other.  In fact they seemed to be at odds with each other more than at peace. One of their married daughters bought a home right next to the parents.  I remember the time our families got together during the holidays and the daughter’s family didn’t come. The parents explained in their Dutch accent that a disagreement turned into an argument over something 6 months previous and they refused to speak to each other. Six months! I had never heard such a thing. They lived next door and neither would speak to each either. I later found out it was over something very minor, yet both were waiting for the other to apologize first.

     I can’t help but compare that story to the real unjust treatment Nephi received from his brothers. On numerous occasions they tried to kill him. It took an angel to stop them on one occasion. And God himself almost sunk their ship into the sea using a terrible tempest before they realized they had but one choice, either let Nephi go and apologize to him, or they would all die in the storm. Nephi,  of all people had a reason to hold a grudge, yet he didn’t. He always forgave them. That is a great lesson, first of all to freely forgive, always. I find the word freely very interesting.  Nephi wasn’t coerced or forced to forgive, he did it on his own, wanting with great desire to forgive.  Second, sometimes it is necessary to be the first to forgive and not wait, for as time goes on the contention becomes escalated.  But Nephi was the innocent brother!  Why should he forgive, he had wronged no one?  That gives one something to think about.  Family members have to go out of their way to keep harmony among themselves. They are also the easiest to have issues with, because they are so closely connected and it’s very easy to see each other’s faults.  

     Is there a connection between people facing extreme difficulties yet they seem to pull together, other times when all their necessities are taken care of and abundance seems to abound, contention is the ruins of a once loving family? Sometimes great difficulties bring families closer than they have ever been.   What a tragedy to not say I love you and forgive those we care the most about.

Remember, you don't forgive someone for his or her sake

 - you forgive them for your sake. 

India's poverty

India - Houseboat

     About 20 years ago I had the opportunity to go to India.  I traveled with my husband John, my parents, and two sons Aaron and Brian and of course my brother Stephen who arranged everything. 
      I have never seen poverty like I saw on that trip.  People sleeping on the sides of the road everywhere you went.  Even the hotels we stayed in had only a few hours of electricity a day.  I saw women carrying large heavy baskets filled with items on their heads everywhere they went.  In many areas they still had to carry water daily to their humble abodes.  Most people were barefoot and those that had shoes, they looked like our worn out ones not fit for the DI.  Some people had vehicles but most did not.  The tourists still hired people to bike them around town in a rickshaw.  Those that had work, worked hard just to get enough money to buy the necessities, rice, beans and a few potatoes. 
      At the Taj  Mahal we saw women  stooped over cutting the grass with scissors.  At the big Hilton Hotel they had lawn mower blades attached to a buffalo with a man guiding it to cut their lawn.  The saddest sights were an old, old man bicycling a very overweight tourist up and over a steep bridge as he sat in the rickshaw.   It tugged at my heart.  I wondered how that old man had the strength to pedal that bike, would this be his last day before he died?  It was so hot and humid.  I felt there was a great injustice in this world, yet if he wanted to eat, he had to work.  The other sad sight was when  I looked into the eyes of the children, everywhere I went there was no joy, they had no hope and at such a young age.  So many children I saw were the ages of our children.  I  realized then how blessed I was to live in America and how blessed my children were to have a carefree childhood.

     When I returned back to Ogden after that 10 day trip, I remember seeing life much differently.  I was serving as Relief Society president and as I heard the problems of those who never seemed to have enough, instead of feeling sorry for them, I knew instantly what would cure their complaining.  An extended trip to India!      

       Everything we think we don’t have, is what makes us miserable, because of who we are comparing ourselves with.  Instead of complaining of the furniture being worn, carpet needing to be replaced or the car broken down, millions of people in India have never slept in a bed, or sat at a table to eat, and wish they just had adequate clothing to cover themselves. People still sleep in cardboard boxes and have never used a toilet or seen a shower.

     Our difficulties are all relevant.  The Book of Mormon talks about the people in our day that wear all manner of precious clothing.  That has always bothered me.  My clothing is  mostly the Kmart specials, JC Penny’s clearance rack, yet I have an abundant choice and my closet is full, the same  goes for my  shoes.  I am trying to follow the teachings of the Savior, so where do I draw the line? To the rich I probably seem in poverty, yet to those in India, I appear to live as a queen.  What is costly apparel?  What if it is given to you and didn’t cost you anything?  Am I considered hoarding clothes if I have more than a few changes for each season?  What is my heart sat on? Is it the latest  fashion?  Do I shop because I need (or want) new clothes?    Would giving away all but a few items solve my problem?  Can I look presentable as a representative of the Lord, in clean but old clothes?   If I never bought another item in my life and gave more money to the humanitarian  fund would that solve my dilemma?   

        I don’t have the answer, but have a feeling that it is a process that begins with recognition, then pondering and asking for answers and the spirit will teach and give individual direction over time as I am ready.  The correct answer will vary as I progress spiritually.  Like the Word of Wisdom, there are many correct ways of living that law, or keeping the Sabbath day Holy, it’s a step by step program like everything else in the gospel.

Inside houseboat

Canoes took us to and from our houseboat

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single

 moment before starting to improve the world. ~

Anne Frank

Dream

Flowers in Birmingham

     I just read a wonderful article about worshiping the Lord by singing hymns.  It reminded me of when I was called to be the Primary Chorister almost 30 years ago.   I have served in almost every position that women can serve in, many of them twice.  But being called as a chorister was the most frightening calling in my whole life, because I didn’t sing.  Really, back then I didn’t ever sing.  I couldn’t carry a tune and I didn’t want to embarrass those around me so I never sang.  Now if I had of been asked to speak at Stake Conference to 500 people, fine, but sing,  I had a real phobia and I told this to the Bishop thinking he would be overly compassionate and understanding.  In my mind it was equivalent to asking someone to play the piano that had never touched the keys.   My Bishop simply said “It’s just children”.  That didn’t make any difference to me because I didn’t sing.  I told him to let me think about it and I would get back to him.  I had been taught not to ever turn down a church calling, yet it was appropriate to give the Bishop additional information about your circumstances.  It was of no avail, now I was going to have to pray about this and see if the Lord wouldn’t soften the heart of my Bishop so he would understand my fears.  Well I did, and HE didn’t.

     That Sunday night when I went to bed it was with a heavy heart and sometime in the night I had a dream.  I don’t remember all the details because I didn’t write it down but I do remember I was in a line waiting my turn to report on my earth’s experiences to the Savior. I was devastated when I was turned away because I didn’t or wouldn’t sing. I woke up shaken and decided I better learn to sing or I would not progress.  I took the calling and sweated profusely every Sunday as the children taught me how to sing and eventually learned to enjoy it. I don’t know why I had that dream,  I honestly felt I could not make it to the celestial kingdom unless I sang.

Many years have passed since then and I have overcome my feelings of inadequacy about singing.  I have even been in a few church choirs.  I don’t have enough confidence to sing a solo but singing the hymns have become my favorite part of each meeting.  I keep a CD of the hymn’s from my favorite signing group  in my car where I can listen and sing along with them, mingling my voice in with theirs and I sound pretty good.

Tires and Self-reliance

Early morning walk in Hoover, AL

     Was I just naive? Or is there a point in your life that you THINK TOO MUCH.  It seems the older I grow the more I seem to worry about details.  Always trying to figure things out way in advance.  I don’t want to make any mistakes and so my mind is always calculating in advance every possible scenario for every situation. 

I don’t think I would have noticed going from the point of being naive to “thinking too much," had not it been that our oldest granddaughter is living with us and brings with her naiveness and youthfulness. I find myself wanting to calculate, prepare in my mind all her needs in advance.  I have to stop warning her in advance of all the “what ifs”.  Her mind doesn’t need to know all the “what ifs.”  I never needed to know all the what ifs and did just fine.  What has made me so calculating over the years?   Easy answer….I don’t want to make mistakes so I go over and over all possible scenarios in advance.   I see I have overdone it.

     Here is an example of what I am trying to say.  We have been married 44 years, neither of us have ever even thought about the tires on our cars up until about 5 years ago.  It just didn’t occupy our minds. Yet somehow we survived.  When we had a young family and drove  a very used car, when a tire became flat we had it repaired and sometimes noticed it had no tread left.  We asked the garage attendant if he had a used one, and for a few dollars we were on our way.  This is how it always happened.  We were always being looked after without  pre-calculating and worrying in advance. 

     I remember in the 80’s Elizabeth was about 4 years old, and I was working part-time in Bountiful with a friend.  We both had little girls the same age and we brought them to work with us since it was our business.  One day as I got off the freeway and turned onto the street where my business was located I noticed a tire center and the thought came into my mind “you need to pull in there and have your tires checked”  I knew that thought didn’t come from me so I obeyed and pulled in.  When I got out of the car the attendant looked at my left rear tire and had the strangest look on his face as he showed me how the tread was falling off.  I said “ Could this wait until I get home to show my husband?  He said “I don’t know how you drove in our driveway without a blow-out.”    I then purchased the new tires and went on my way.  I also remember a winter when I had to drive to Salt Lake to get supplies for my husband’s electronic business. I didn’t like driving in snow storms yet I knew he needed the parts.  I had both Emily and Elizabeth in the back seat.  We witnessed a roll over right in front of us on the way back, which was very scary, but I was driving safe and had plenty of distance between us.  I dropped off the parts to John’s business and drove the girls home.  As I came to a stop in our driveway,  I heard a loud noise, a tire had literally exploded.  I remember feeling so grateful that it didn’t happen 5 minutes earlier as I would have been on the freeway.  I also remember feeling protection from above for the precious cargo I was carrying (my two little girls).

     So, back to my question.  Was it ok to be naive and not worry and calculate when I needed new tires, and allow the Lord to protect us all those years, or is my self-reliance craze better, trying to figure everything out way in advance? 

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”
― Dr. Seuss

Gratitude Changes Attitude --

Gratitude 

Taking the day off in Alabama

     I remember being a young mother with little children and a very little budget.  It never seemed to bother us for we always had food on the table and plenty of love in our home.  Our children were healthy and happy.  We re-cycled the Halloween costumes from year to year from child to child and Christmas was always joyful because it was a day we played games together and delighted in each other’s happiness as they opened a small gift from each family member.  One Christmas we went to a relative’s home who only had two children and it seemed that each child had more gifts than our entire family put together . All the gifts were in expensive wrapping paper and they color coordinated the decorations on the tree.  I sensed a feeling of discontent in myself as well as my children as they eyed the great display of gifts. I remember one of my little girls saying as we returned to the car, “Mommy and Daddy thank you for all the nice gifts that we have at our house." That little girl was Emily who is now married with four children of her own.  I think she must have taught President Monson his favorite statement “Think to thank” because she always would remind us as parents to thank everyone for everything.  It shows in her children today as they always thank us for anything we do for them even just coming and visiting.

     The expectation that more is deserved can cause our plate of plenty to appear empty.

     Gratitude is a higher law and a quality that has to be cultivated until every moment of life is a moment of gratitude.  Gratitude is next to reverence and reverence can’t be separated from revelation.  Joy and happiness comes from gratitude.

Remember the scripture “And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things”.  Gratitude is a saving principle, it is a binding commandment. 

3 of Emily's children

Emily's family

     The more blessings we receive the greater responsibility we have to help those less fortunate than ourselves. The following are some thoughts that came to me  in 2007 on gratitude:

Life is full of purpose and meaning, just look for it, there is goodness everywhere.  Open your eyes and see the beauty there in, be kind, be joyful and be involved in good causes.  Help those that are downtrodden, those that have lost hope and invite them to look up.  I can give meaning to life.  I am life.  I am the light of the world.  I am the provider of all that you have.  Look up and live, look down and die.  I am here for all mankind.

Come to me and I will come to you.

Seek me and I will be your companion.

Knock and I will open my arms to you.

Call after me and I will answer.

Look for me and you will find me.

Think of me and I will be with you.

Be my eyes as you see the downcast.

Be my hands as you see the hopeless.

Be the caregiver as you see the helpless.

Be my smile that will cheer up the weary.

Be of help when you see the tired.

Be of comfort to those that have none.

There is no reason to walk through this life alone – I am in every footstep, that will safely bring you home, home to a life of splendid joy and love.

I will be your light in the dark, your eyes in a bleak world, your staff when you are lost, your comforter when you are discouraged.  “I am hope” The hope of a brighter today.  

"And he who recieveth all things with thankfulness 

shall be made glorious; 

and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even

an hundred fold, yea more."

Faith like a mustard seed

A favorite walk

FAITH
     In Relief Society yesterday we had a lesson on the life of George Albert Smith.  At the age of 34, he wrote down 11 creeds he was going to live by.  There was one that really impressed me.  It said," I will visit the sick and the afflicted and inspire in them a desire for faith to be healed."  He wouldn't just give everyone a blessing even though he could, as he held the priesthood and was a righteous man, rather he would inspire in them a desire for faith to be healed.  That seems like such a worthy things to do, try to inspire in people the desire for faith to be healed.  The D&C clearly states that we as a people lack faith.
     I have thought a lot about how I could encourage people to increase their faith, as it must be exercised.  But what are the exercises? Faith is an interesting word.  It is an action word and  has to grow from within, like a seed that is planted in the ground.  If it is not planted but just held in your hands and only think about planting, it will not grow.  The soil is your desire, what great desires do you have? Then plant that seed with your thoughts and visualize the outcome. If when you plant a seed in the garden and then neglect it, up comes weeds and soon the weeds take over and your little seed will wither away.  When you plant a worthy thought in your mind, spend some quality time cultivating it, watering it, keep all the weeds away when they first appear, weeds in our mind are doubts, worries and fear.  Our mind can't contain both faith in what we want to cultivate along with worry, doubt or fear at the same time.  The weeds (worry) will always win out.
     I wish I could just give faith to people.  I have a friend right now that is terminally ill with cancer.  She wants to be healed and has received two blessings that her work here on earth is not complete, yet she lacks the faith to make that blessing work. She knows God has the power to heal and she desires that healing, but allows weeds to take over (worry, doubt and fear) continually in her mind.
      Many of us don't realize we can learn to control our minds, we can keep it from rambling on in all different directions.  It can be controlled with effort. Just like a child has to learn to control his arms and hands, he can't hit every person he sees.  We too must learn to be in charge of our thoughts and keep the weeds out and allow our little seed of faith to grow.

If you have the faith of a mustard seed

you could move mountains.

Sting of death -- January 8, 2012

     It was January 8, 1969 that I first experienced the dying of a loved one.  It was our first-born son we named John David. Yes, that was a long time ago as he would have been 43 today.  He was a full term stillborn that passed away during the birth process.  Experiencing motherhood  for 9 months as he was growing and developing inside of me, his death became so personal, I thought my world had collapsed and I would never recover.  Death is not something that I knew anything about or how to deal or process what was happening so I buried all my thoughts and feelings and emotions deep inside.  I didn't know what to say or how to express my feelings so I didn't.  Then in 1976 I gave birth to another full-term still born son.  I have always been an eternal optimist and didn't want to dwell on those miserable feelings so I never spoke of them for many years.   I now realize, that was a big mistake and I believe that feelings buried alive never die and they cause physical blockages that may manifest in diseases and illnesses many decades later. Years later I  found that since I couldn't talk about my experience that  by writing down my feelings on paper helped me more than anything.  Ideally having someone you can open up with and pull out all those  emotions is best.  Someone who will just listen yet encourage you to get it up and out.  I remember at my brothers funeral there was a woman from another country who wailed so loud that we were all embarrassed, at one point we thought see was going to knock over the casket, she was so out of control.  I have thought about that experience many times and wondered perhaps her crying and wailing non stop help processed everything and it was over, instead of taking decades to deal with it.
     Yesterday, January 7, 2012 our niece Shawna Noragon died.  She was 40 years old and passed away 1 year and 1 month from the death of our oldest daughter Christine who was also 40.  Since last year I have lost my brother, a nephew and cousin along with numerous friends.  Our daughter's death was the hardest because we had her for 40 years and she left 8 children and a husband behind.  I want to share my feelings as to how I have finally learned to deal with dying.
      First of all, turning to my Heavenly Father has been most important.  Understanding that he really has a  plan of happiness for us and that we agreed with shouts of joy to come to this earth so we can have a body and have experiences, especially opposition in all things, so we could progress.  How could we be happy if we never experienced sadness?  We knew our time here was limited and we also knew it was part of the plan to go on to the next phase of our existence (spirit world) and it would even be more wonderful than this earth life. I knew that my two children along with Shawna were in a better place. This part of my testimony helped me remember the Big Picture of things, yet the inner heart break that was so private and disabling still hurt.  I have a testimony that because of Christ's atoning sacrifice,  the awful gloom of death gives hope. However, there was still a pain that lingered inside. Turning to prayer, the scriptures and reading everything I could on the subject brought me understanding and comfort from the Holy Ghost which in turn provided  peace and hope that my soul so desperately needed to take away the wrenching sting and pain.

I look at life as a gift from God. 
Now that he wants it back I have no right to complain.

Remembering

     I remember some thoughts I wrote down back in 2007 and couldn't help but ponder my spiritual growth since then.  Here is what I wrote;

     The earth groans with pains of iniquity, both from the sins of the inhabitants but also from the chains that are wrapped securely around  many of my Saints.  Free yourself and flee from complacency. Look to me, look up, I am your only source of hope.  No longer wander around not knowing why you are on the earth at this time.  Satan has you bound just like he has the foolish bound with addictions.  Your addictions are TV, radio, sports, entertainment and everything that detracts you from me.  You are addicted because you are not breaking loose.  You  are in a deep sleep.  Wake up! I am here for you, I want but one thing, and that is your happiness, you will never see enough movies to make you happy, you will never see enough live entertainment that will bring you lasting joy.  All the years you have been on this earth and you have never really turned to me, only to the world to make you happy.  Wake up from your slumber.  Look up and you will never be deceived again.  Help is close at hand, you need only pray with a sincere heart for help.  Shut down the TV, I plead with you to come unto me, for you have yet to find me.
     Spend quality time finding me by reading my words from the scriptures, conference report and the inspired words from the leaders of my church.  I am there.  Pray always before you start your study, otherwise the spirit will not attend you and you will only read words instead of gaining insight and the wisdom that you say you desire.  Then search and ponder each and every verse until you are taught by the spirit.  Write down what you learn as it will be individualized, tailored just for your benefit. How long you read matters not, what matters is if you read long enough for the spirit to teach you something.  Once you get in this habit you will never want to return to your former ways.   Studying in this manner is the surest way to receive personal revelation, which is necessary for ALL if they are going to return to me.

Wow! I had almost forgotten those words, I can say that as I have followed that counsel  my spirituality has grown considerably.  I can also say that if I had obeyed that counsel when it came to me in 2007 I could have avoided a lot of hardships, difficulties and trials along the way because I am a rather strong willed person and the Lord has had to compel me to humility the hard way to get my attention.

Look unto me in every thought,

doubt not fear not.

Mist of darkness

  JOY!

     Welcome to the temple!  We hope you will feel joy as you serve.  Instantly joy filled my soul as I sat  silently waiting for the session to begin.  I don't know any other words to describe my feelings except exquisite joy.

     Our oldest granddaughter McKensey, is working in Riverdale and is living with us while she is saving money to go on a mission.  She tries to attend the temple at least once a week.  She is not endowed yet, so enjoys doing baptisms over and over again.  Her mother (Christine) told her before she passed away that if she wanted to be close to her and feel her presence she should go to the temple often for that is where she would be.   McKensey has inspired me to go as often as she does and we both feel so blessed by being there. McKensey read to me an inspiring talk, written by President Monson titled "The Holy Temple" which motivated  me with a desire to sacrifice even more of my time (since Ogden temple is closed it seems the extra hour drive is a sacrifice) to serve at the temple. The talk tells experiences of people who sacrificed everything to go just once in a lifetime.  Since then, we have placed even a higher priority to attend.
     When we left the Bountiful temple today and were driving down that long steep hill to get to the freeway, the inversion was so obvious we seemed to drive out of the clear blue sky right down into the muck.  It reminded me of the mist of darkness and what it does to our lives.  The word mist means a cloud cover that dims ones view, obscures, or blurs, covers with a haze ones vision.  Nephi tells us that the mist (which is the temptations of the devil)  blinds the eyes, hardens the hearts and leads us away into broad roads until we perish and are lost.   After feeling such joy in the temple I didn't want to return to the hazy world below.
     I have noticed in my life when I start feeling lost, or discontented with my lot in life it is because I am encased in the mist of darkness.
     I remember being a young mother with several children and sometimes feeling of little worth, wondering to myself, what am I doing?  I'm not contributing anything to the world, just changing diapers, feeding baby's, cleaning and cooking only to start all over the next day, and I started comparing myself to others. They seemed to have better clothes, nicer furniture and their life seemed to be going somewhere while I was only getting discouraged.  One particular time I remember vividly was when John was in the Coast Guard and stationed in California and we had two children (babies).  A friend invited me over to her home for lunch, and as I left her home that afternoon  feelings of discouragement seemd to engulf me because of all my (lack of''s).  When I got back to our small apartment I  retrieved the mail and there was the Ensign.  I decided to sit down and read a few minutes.  Back in those days I only turned to the back of the magazine and read the "Real Life Stories" that people submitted.  They were always short stories that always, without fail pulled me out of the mist of darkness and gave me hope and inspired me to carry on.  No matter what the story was about, it reminded me that I was on the right track.  I loved those 4 or 5 faith promoting true life stories, somehow those testimonies sustained me for many days.  I also found that going to church each week always lifted my spirit, and reminded me who I really was, and the value of raising a family.  I didn't know I was in a mist of darkness, that I had pulled away from the Lord and was left to the world to work things out.  When I finally learned what was happening I could catch myself as I found i was surrounded with that cloud of discouragement and immediately get the words of the Lord into my heart either from the scriptures, church magazines, or attending the temple, even singing the Primary Hymns always would take away the cloud cover, remove the haze and open my vision.  Oh, how I see the value of holding on to the rod of iron daily.  The words of the Lord does not sustain  me if I read a few faith promoting stories once a month, I have to have it daily. I need to feel His spirit and to have the direction from above to see clearly.


                                                 The most important thing
                                                             in life is not  
                                                          the triumph but           
                                                            the struggle